Preparing to Make Memories

Paul's memories are never more clear than when working in the garage. Put a tool in his hand and he comes alive for just a bit. Put a tool in his hand while hanging out in the garage with our son, Wyatt, or son-in-law, Taylor, and he just might function for half a day before zoning out or falling asleep.

I used to take this personally. Clearly, he would much rather hang out with one of the boys than with me, right? Not really, but there are so many ways of knowing - of experiencing memory. For Paul, touching tools and car parts makes him feel alive.

This does not mean he is somehow more safe or more functional in the garage? Indeed, a month ago he drilled a sheetrock screw straight through his finger. I know, your partner does that stuff too, right? Does your partner need convincing he is bleeding all over the floor? Does he need help wrapping it up without shoving the darn thing right through his bone? Does he need to be bribed into going to the doctor? Mine does! It took a couple of hours, but what finally worked to convince him to drive into town and have the darn thing removed and treated? McDonald's, yep. Double Quarter Pounder with cheese, fries, and a vanilla shake (supersized, of course).

That same week, because sometimes people with Alzheimer's and other dementias have tremors, Paul tripped over items laying on the floor while dragging his right foot a bit. At 6'4" and 260 pounds, it is a bit difficult to help him get up - especially when his balance is so poor. It does not help that his garage looks like it belongs to an AD patient. His shops never looked like this before the AD.

There has to be a solution that can keep him safely active in the garage, right? Well, as is true for most dementia patients, chaotic environments are much more dangerous. The more distraction the brain experiences, the more likely confusion occurs. The more confusing, the more attention is diverted from the task at hand.

This is where my Pinterest addiction really helps. The joy I found planning the garage organization continues to astound me. In fact, I decided one shop was not enough. We had an extra shed that once held firewood. Whereas firewood is important in an area with winter temperatures that can dip below -10 degrees, I threw it all out. I ordered 5-1/2 yards of concrete, bought lots of R11 and R19 insulation (wall and ceiling, respectively), and 1/4" CDX to cover the walls. I have pegboard, cabinets, and countertops salvaged from every RESTORE (Habitat for Humanity retail stores such as newberryrestore.org) within 100 miles. We have a ways to go, but when done, I hope to provide two shop spaces, divided by type of task (welding, woodwork, kiln, auto maintenance and repair, etc.) so the entire space is calm, organized, and clean.

Just as Paul still compares his ability to work to when he was 25, my heart yearnlapien s to get the work done. However, the point of designing these spaces is so I (or one of our children) can be with him while he works on projects and ensure his safety. THIS MEANS WORKING AT HIS PACE. I was shouting at myself using all caps as a reminder. He has been able to work productively for about 2 hours every day for the last three days. Despite my desire for speed, I get to see him feel accomplished. He gets to see he can still "make things nice." Today we argued about how to put up the insulation. I got frustrated. I had to let him try it his way until he learned his way would not work. In the end we came up with a unique solution together. And, for a moment it was like having a relationship back in which I am not the only one required or capable of making a decision. It was two hours today I will cherish. Here's what I want people to know: You have to be with them to really BE WITH THEM. There is no replacement for time and effort. I know as his illness progress and his decline continues, there will be less of him with whom I can be present. My heart is with those of you for whom this is true. Meanwhile, I am going to take in every moment I can.